If you’re having girl problems I feel bad for you son
I got ninety nine problems but my brows aint one.
There is an epidemic going around which involves spending liberal amounts of money ‘perfecting’ those hairy tufts above the eyes more commonly known as eyebrows.
The Scientific Gubbins
The main function of the eyebrow is to stop sweat and debris falling into your eye socket but they are also key to facial expression. Your eyebrows tell people when you are surprised or angry, for instance and without them we look strange.
I hold my hands up here and hang my head in shame because I’ve plucked mine into submission. I’m an over-plucker, mother pluckers! In fact, part of my left eyebrow is missing due to a frenzied culling session in the late 90s while sozzled on home brew. Alas, I now have to fill in the gap with some eye shadow or pencil.
Years ago the only option was to pencil some in or to whack a bit of shadow in the sparse bits but nowadays you can have an eyebrow TATTOOED onto your skin. It’s not cheap and sometimes things go wrong so instead of looking like Kim Kardashian, you end up looking like a three year old has been let loose on your face with a crayon.
I’ll be honest. I’m an old fart who still remembers a time when it was fashionable to be hairy. The 70s were a full on fur-fest and I was there for the majority of it.. give or take a few months..
There was hair EVERYWHERE.
They even made a musical called HAIR!!
My dad’s mucky magazines (yep, I found em) were full of women with more bush than Kew Gardens but, hey, that was the norm back then. Nowadays, the hairy laydeh has become a niche market though some of us are doing our best to revive it, albeit unintentionally.
The 80s had it’s hairy moments as well. Remember Nena and her 99 Luftballons? The German lovely certainly wasn’t afraid to show off her furry pits and Madonna has been known to be a stranger to Ladyshave in her time as well..
Today’s woman is encouraged to shave (or wax) anything that resembles a hair or pube aside what’s on her head. I’ve seen mannequins with more hair on them than most young women these days!
One of the things about ageing is the speed which hair grows, especially places you don’t want it to, LIKE ON YOUR FACE!
I remember the day I discovered that my mum had a *whispers* moustache and vowed that it would NEVER happen to me!
So once a month I pluck them out with some tweezers because my hair seems to be immune to creams. I once spent six hours Veeting myself to no avail. I am, it seems, resistant to depilatory creams.
When it comes to eyebrows it’s no longer fashionable to have run-of-the-mill eyebrows. Now they have to be sculptured into sperm-like shapes in order to give that permanently ‘How bloody much?’ look.
Why would ANYBODY want to have sperms on their face?
Moving swiftly on…
Why pay all that money to look like that when you can do it yourself for about 50p?
In the spirit of goodwill and all that, I am willing to share my secret with you.
All you need is a sheet of felt and some sticky thingies you can pick up from any craft shop.
Firstly, pick yourself some felt to match your hair colour, or as close to it as you can. I dye my hair red (ish) but I’d look a bit of a chop with red eyebrows so I opted for brown, as is my au naturel shade.
Get a biro (or borrow your little un’s chalks) and draw a set of eyebrows in the shape you desire.
Go wild or just stick to sperms.
BROWse the internet for inspiration.
See what I did there?
Now you are ready to cut those bad boys out.
*WARNING* Take care when using sharp scissors, especially if you’ve been at the Gin.
Actually, it might be a good idea to ask somebody (who isn’t pissed) to help you with this part?
Next, you will need to fix some sticky thingies on. Or you can use velcro if you like pain. Wouldn’t advise Superglue..
Here’s me rocking my new brows!
The beauty of this is that you can get about 10 pairs out of one sheet of felt so if one gets lost on a night out, it’s no biggy. Keep some spares in your holdall of a handbag and when your mate leans over and says, ‘Oi, tit, your eyebrow has slipped into your Jalfrezi!’ All you have to do is whip out a spare, slap it on your face and you’re back in action!
Could it be any easier?
Play about with this. Create your own style and have fun with it. Maybe get a few mates round and have a brow-making session? Like a Tupperware party only not as shit!
Plus, it’s got to be better than blowing the housekeeping on a permanent pair which could make you look like a right berk, eh?
I (being socially challenged) prefer to make my brows on my own whilst listening to old 1970s records for inspiration.
That’s just how I roll.
Next time I will show you how to create some sexy stockings using Bovril and a Sharpie.
The old ways are still the best, eh?
Public Domain Image
All other images, though crap, are mine.