Shutting Down

Sometimes I need to shutdown.

I just stop functioning.

Even if I want to speak, the words won’t come.

Not even yes or no.

I am aware of you talking but I can’t answer.

Like a form of paralysis

I have no words to reassure you.

A storm is raging within me

My inner fight.

I’ll get through it.

As all storms pass

There may have been a trigger

A memory, thought or word.

Stuff builds up.

Things you’d never imagine would matter.

Trivial to you.

Astronomic to me.

Leave me to unravel my thoughts and I’ll come back

But for now I have to withdraw.

Like a computer that’s frozen

I need to shut down and restart.

I can’t process these thoughts..

They whirl inside my head.

Building momentum.

Overthinking.

Catastrophizing.

Big fuck off mountains out of molehills.

Thoughts you wouldn’t want..

So when I leave without explanation, let me go.

To sleep.

To escape.

In order for my mind to unravel itself.

I’m not doing it to hurt you.

Nor am I being intentionally rude.

It’s just that it’s necessary.

Survival mode.

My brain is wired differently..

Incompatible with this world.

Too much information

Sensory overload.

So I’m asking you to understand as best you can..

The reason why this happens

That it’s not you.

It’s me.

Spectrum Sunday

 

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6 thoughts on “Shutting Down

  1. Hi Tracy, poignant words from you that can be worked around me also, a non autism sufferer but you know me well to know what I suffer with, chronic debilitating pain, fibromyalgia, bouts of depression and PTSD, not that I think I have it, was diagnosed by the mental health team. Look at me on a good day and you will see a ‘normal’ish’ looking woman, on a bad day you won’t see or hear from me, I will hide in the bedroom with the door and curtains closed. Life goes on and I just catch up when I’m ready to surface.
    A heart pulling blog but hopefully it might reach out to others to try to imagine the day in the life of your suffering. It’s great that you like to blog as your outlet, safe in your own environment at your own pace. You’re a lovely lady who has lots of social media friends, that must give you great comfort ❤️
    Big loves 😘💞xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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